The history of Slothspeed
This band started out as three young guys (yes that is right somers wasn't in the band yet) trying to get chicks. As they all woke up to themselves and realised that they were butt ugly they decided to take it to the music and wear tight jeans, cause that seems to get the chicks (just ask Boy George). All the trio needed was a bass player. We had some Auditions with such bassist as Les Claypool, Jason Newstand and some wierd guy who turned up naked, and called himself nothing but "flea". All these people really sucked compared to the last condender called "prodigy child" (later named Matt Somers). This guy strummed his bass as if it was his own dick (yes that good).
So the four boys renoun for there hatred of Bjork, lived together for four years paying the rent by selling penguins to needy eskimos.
Noel, who is also a champion salmon thrower (gold in three olympics) started becoming violent whenever there was no lard to be seen (he loves his lard). So we didn't no if he was the drummer we wanted if this lard outbreaks would continue. So we made him pay for the lard, and told him "if this stoopid lard outbreaks keep on goin, you be no more on the ol' drums fool". This automatically stoped, and now he takes pills reguarly (mainly because he doesn't want to get pregnant).

The band started playing classics like "wip it" by Devo, and "sail away" by Enya, but the crowd just wouldn't "dig it". so we settled with just Metallica, Red hot chili peppers and other hobo songs like that.

The only problem was that Alan really sucked at guitar. And everyone in the band really really hated him. And whats the deal with his stupid hair, and those stupid damn ear lobes.

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IN MORE RECENT SLOTHSPEED NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the band, and their pet monkey jingles recently performed, well, dominated at the bundaberg ballistic battle of the bands. they played a dynamite set, hitting the stage early. the crowd absolutely loved the performance, but the judges, later confusing the boys with crappy two piece saus, because the names are similar, accidently gave saus second place. when obviously they had meant it for our sexy boys. i mean, boys, gee im not gay, what. what!!!!!!!! so, the sloths were robbed of their second place by a critical grammatical error by the big fat hitz fm dude. no jingles were harmed during the performance.
oh yeh, our friends in Best before yesterday, whos name luckily doesnt sound like any crap bands names, actually secured third place at the battle. in theory defeating the mighty sloths, but in reality we got second except fatty cant talk.

AND SO FROM THEN ON EVERYONE HATED ALAN
He couldn't fit in with the cool groups because the group leaders - Mark mizzi and Scott ezzy always payed out on him non stop. Because alan worked in the book section at BIG W than some really bad jokes were made about him having to BOOK an appointment at the doctor. Then there was a news flash and mat power was hit in the head numerous times by thrown rubbish from each contestant from around the rectangular table. lots of laughs and a purple hippopotimus doing the waltz on the opposing table made the day a good one.

Anyway back to the band stuff.

The band loved to have jams (preferably strawberry) every week, but with other commitments in the band (Alans soccer, Shanes work, Noels assignments, and Somers camel jumping tournaments) we only got to jam at least once per two weeks.

Slowly we got a list of songs we wanted to play, and the list of songs we COULD play was incredibly smaller.

Finally the band got a gig at the famous Beck Clarks castle. We rocked up there in all our costumes (Shane was a knight, noel a rocker, alan was a possum, and somers wore overalls beause he has a huge imagination). We played the night away, everyone in the band stuffed up something or other, but nothing THAT big. It was a whole lot of fun, and everyone had a knee-slapping good time. After we played, Noel started his fire stick career because he is a circus freak and has the ability to do anything he damn well wants to well.


and then what happened was quite amazing, the band had planned a jump off a very high cliff to increase the bands fatness, i mean stupidity, and little did alan and shane know, but jimminy (noel) and matt (matt) were planning on not jumping and instead went to the toilet. after that i saw a butterfly with no wings so i announced that it was in fact butter and put it on bread with some tasty lard and chomped it up.


The equipment we (ab)use:
Guitars we own -
Magnum (rum series) strat copy
Ibanez rg
Satellite les paul copy

Accoustics -
2 odessa's
NO namme nylon string

Bass's -
Epiphone Sg
Vintage cheap ass piece of shit

Drum kit -
The SLUT Kit.
Soon to be a sweet ass pearl export series 5 piece that kicks serious balls (who will one day aspire to the slutiness of the slut kit)

VARIOUS OTHER STUFF -
2 x (hairy) Harmonicas
Microphones
Ashton PA system
Kustom Bass amp
Zoom pedel
Boss pedel
Casio CTK 495 keyboard
Shanes trouser trumbone

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